Picture this..... Sleeping soundly on a Sunday morning, head resting on the pillow while dreaming. Brrrrrrrrr. Brrrrrrrrrr. Brrrrrrrrr. That would be the vibration of my mobile phone next to my bed. On the other end My Mother! "Good Morning!" "Oh I didn't wake you up did I?" (ok at this point she didn't even wait to hear my answer, probably because of the 8 cups of coffee that she had) She continues talking and talking...here are some soundbites: "Oh my lock is stuck to the front door, you know which one I am talking about..the one above the regular lock"...I manage to squeek in the word Deadbolt?..."Yes, Yes, the deadbolt..oh you are so smart!"...Ok my ears perk up a bit at that statement...you see folks...she is just reeling me in....
I usually give my mother about 10 minutes per call...we talk about 3 times a day or more.... I should really talk to her more, but we are both busy. So back to the conversation. I am still lying on the pillow eyes closed. She is just talking and talking about how she can't find the pooper scooper, and for the life of her she can't remember where she put it. She says, "Oh it's probably in the weeds in the back yard, oh I have weeds..you should see them...they are tall!" I manage to grunt an "uh huh." I am at this point picturing her searching some high weeds in the back yard... "Oh she says can you hear that dog?" Nope..I only hear birds chirping. "This yippy dog has been barking and yipping since 6:30 am!" "So I walked over to the fence and yelled: HELLO, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR DOG, IT'S BEEN BARKING FOR 2 HOURS!" Sadly, no response...and the dog is still barking. She informs me that she is going to get on her bicycle and ride over to the house..behind her and find that dog and shut it up. Now at this point, in my mind I am visualizing Almira Gultch the(Wicked Witch of the East) on her bicycle..da da da da da dant...da da da da da dant.. Are you picturing it? You know from wizard of OZ? When Dorothy sees her out of her bedroom window in the tornado? Ya...I see my mom with her little basket on the the bike searching for ToTo!
Well...no luck with the dog, now we are back to the pooper scooper..she just remembered..."I killed a black widow in my storage space, that bitch!" Oh yes she found it and thanked God and her angels. Which is normal for her. Saying Bitch in one sentence, and thanking God and her angels in the next! Ok off we are going to talking about my Grandmother..her mom. She has people taking care of her, and also working on her home. She thinks that it may be a bit much for Grandma at this point. I am still lying on the pillow, but by now my eyes are open. I comment about Grama, and now we are back to the deadbolt. I ask her if she has any Wd40, to spray in the deadbolt, that is at this point dead. She rustles up some from the Garage, and sprays it in the lock. I ask her if she has a "handy man"..and she laughs hysterically. "A handy man, a handy man?? "Men aren't handy, that's why I don' have one!"
I laugh..and carry on with that thought..but my thoughts are interrupted by her saying. "Oh I have a story to tell you!" Her landlord told her that she had something to tell her. But she didn't want to tell her.. and my mother of course says, "What is this kindergarten?" "Spit it out I don't have all day!" (Oh to be 67 and not responsible for what you say) Her landlord laughs and says..."You know Jeff from the Gym..." My mom says: "Yeeea?" Well, I am seeing him, says her landlord. "Uggghh" my mother says. "Oh that wasn't the response I was looking for." (again to be 67 and not be responsible for what you say) "Well, I can stand him for exactly 2 minutes. Two minutes..then I have to walk away." Her landlord at this minute is probably kicking herself for saying something. She dares to ask why. My mother preceedes to tell her: "Well we had a conversation once, and I told him to Back off! You are in my space, and practically spitting on my face!" Again to be 67 and not responsible for what you say. I am, at this point wide awake, knees drawn up lying on my back, laughing my ass off. I made her repeat what she just said. The guy looked at her like she was a nut case, oh if he only knew!
Well, back to the handyman... her landlord has one, and said one evening as the toilet was running incessently...I will send him right over. Well he called said he would be there at 9pm. Well 9pm came and went, at around 10pm the doorbell rings..and being the 67 year old who can say what she wants, I guess I didn't know but as you get older, you can actually do what you want too! Well she listened to Ruby bark an bark..and then she looked at her clock...well should I get up and answer the door? The door bell rang again...ding ding ding ding...ya, at this point he was getting a bit pissy. Well..she thought I should get up. Opening the door to the so-called "handyman" she said "Well it' a little past 9pm, nice to see your on time!" (You see she doesn't like him much, this handyman..because she doesn't believe that men are handy) He grunts as he saunters by, and heads to the bathroom, fixes the toilet in 10 min flat, and heads to the door..he mumbles something under his breath...she is sure she hears the word be-otch..and says, "same to you!" as she slams the front door and pets Ruby's head.
Ok now we are back to the Deadbolt. She wiggles it a bit, and voila...it works! She sings words of praise to me, oh how smart I am..how wonderful I am. Ok ma...I just told you to spray some Wd40 into a lock, how hard is that!
Well...this was our phone call this morning... It lasted about 41 minutes and 31 seconds and that is how I woke up this morning. It all started with a deadbolt. Deadbolt, Dogs, Dorothy, Angels, God and Black Widows.
Wouldn't change it for the world. Thanks Mama.. I love you!
Stacy
LOL. I love it!
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