Another fun day at Red R*ck Radiology

Hi folks welcome to day 7....

Well went to get the MRI of the boobies with contrast....no such luck again! Poked 6 times...I was done. Doctor said that we don't need the test but I think that I may run over to my oncologist tomorrow to see if he can get a vein...I called him on his mobile (speed dial) and he called me right back...so lucky he is a good friend...I'm so lucky!

I feel in good spirits, and actually feel really good today...not tired or anything..

Went to eat at Paymon's my favorite place, had a greek salad. Went with my BFF.

Well not much to do the rest of this day...just hang out with my little one she just got home from California!

Yea!

Happy mood! Remember girls FEEL YOUR BOOBIES! Go get a mammo!

Stacy

Cleaning out the closet...

Went to the doctors this morning and I found out that my cancer is both estrogen and progesterone receptive... so it is a good thing I guess. Also found out that because I am not 45 years old I do not fit the protocol for Radiation therapy with the baloon...which is about 1 week compared to 6 weeks. Sucks for me!

Came home and cleaned out my closet and got rid of 6 large hefty bags of clothes. I feel like i want to purge, maybe it is a normal thing not sure. I want to clean, and I feel like I am nesting a bit. No baby here, just breast cancer. So I wanted to post below a little lesson I learned today in how Hormones Play a role in Breast Cancer Treatment...it's 2:34 pm and this is day 6.

What Role Do Hormones Play in Breast Cancer Treatment?
Hormone receptors are like ears or antennae on a cell. Estrogen sends signals through the receptors that tell breast cancer cells to grow. Cells with estrogen receptors grow and multiply when estrogen attaches to the receptors.

After a breast cancer is removed, the cancer cells are tested to see if they have hormone receptors. If either estrogen or progesterone receptors are present, a response to hormonal therapy is very possible. The more estrogen or progesterone receptors present on those cells, the more likely that hormonal therapy will work against the particular cancer. If high levels of both estrogen and progesterone receptors are present, an even greater response to hormonal therapy is likely.

The other name for hormonal therapy is "anti-estrogen therapy." The goal of therapy is to starve the breast cancer cells of the hormone they thrive on, which is estrogen.

What percentage of breast cancers have hormone receptors?

About 75% of breast cancers are estrogen-receptor-positive ("ER-positive" or "ER+").
About 65% of ER-positive breast cancers are also progesterone-receptor-positive ("PR-positive" or "PR+").
About 25% of breast cancers are ER-negative ("ER–") and PR-negative ("PR–") or of "unknown" status.
About 10% of breast cancers are ER-positive and PR-negative.
About 5% of breast cancers are ER-negative and PR-positive.
If cells have receptors for both hormones OR receptors for one of the two hormones, the cancer is consider hormone-receptor-positive.
In this context, "positive" means that a significant number of cancer cells have receptors in them. "Negative" means that the cells do not have significant numbers of receptors.

The definition of "significant" varies from one hospital or testing center to another. If 5–10% or more of the cells have hormone receptors, that's usually reported as a positive result. But if a report says "negative" or "borderline," it's still important to look at HOW positive the level is. For example, the laboratory may label a 5% level of being positive for hormone receptors as "negative," but even cancers at that level may have a good response to hormonal therapy.

Sometimes, a report will come back from the laboratory saying that the hormone status is "unknown." This may mean one of several things:

The test was never ordered or done.
The sample of tissue that the laboratory received was too small to get reliable results.
Few estrogen and progesterone receptors were present.
If there are no hormone receptors present, or they cannot be measured or seen, or the status is "unknown," the cancer is called hormone-receptor-negative.

How do the hormones work?
Estrogen and progesterone travel through the bloodstream and find their matching receptor sites on both healthy cells and cancer cells. Receptors are very specialized protein molecules that sit on the outside or inside of the cells in your body. They act like an on–off switch for a particular activity in the cell. If the right substance comes along that fits into the receptor—like a key fitting into a lock—the switch is turned on and a particular activity in the cell begins.

Many breast cancers are hormone-dependent—which means that estrogen and progesterone stimulate their growth by "turning on" hormone receptors in the cancer cells. Without these hormones, the cancer cells are not stimulated to grow. They wither, and eventually they may die.

Estrogen and progesterone play roles in the development of certain breast cancers:

Estrogen is a very important "key" for the estrogen-receptor (ER) sites throughout the body AND on some breast cancer cells
Progesterone receptors (PR) can also be involved in turning on breast cancer cell growth
When a cancer shows few or no estrogen receptors (when it is "ER-negative,") hormonal therapy is usually not effective. But if there ARE progesterone receptors, hormonal therapy may sometimes be helpful anyway. Women whose cancers are PR-positive but ER-negative have about a 10% chance of responding to hormonal therapy. If you have an ER-negative breast cancer, you and your doctor should discuss whether the possible benefits of hormonal therapy are worth exploring for YOU.

How will you respond to hormonal therapy?
If hormone receptors are present in your breast cancer cells, you will probably have a good response to hormonal therapy. The more receptors, the better your response:

If both estrogen and progesterone receptors are present (ER+/PR+), your chance of responding to hormonal therapy is about 70%.
If you are estrogen-receptor-positive only (ER+/PR–) OR progesterone-receptor-positive only (ER–/PR+), you have about a 33% chance of responding.
If the receptor status is unknown, there is about an overall 10% chance of responding.
Cell with estrogen receptors, estrogen, and helper proteins.

A Estrogen receptor

B Estrogen

C Estrogen helper proteins

D Nucleus

E DNA genetic material

Estrogen has many different functions, including helping you develop dense, strong bones. It's good to have strong bones (and other good things that estrogen helps to provide, like lower cholesterol and a sense of well-being), but it's best not to have the breast-cell growth stimulation that goes along with the higher estrogen levels.

Some studies have shown that elderly women with high bone mineral density (strong bones) have an increased risk of breast cancer, particularly advanced cancer. This has led to rumors about dense breasts and dense bones causing breast cancer. But it's not the extra thickness of the breasts or the thickness of the bones that causes an increased risk of breast cancer. Relatively high estrogen levels in the body probably produce all three things: denser breasts, stronger bones, AND a higher risk of breast cancer.

Cell with estrogen receptors blocked by tamoxifen and helper proteins.

A Estrogen receptor

B Tamoxifen

C Estrogen helper proteins

D Tamoxifen helper proteins

E Nucleus

F DNA genetic material

Nothing to speak of really.....

This is day 5...

I slept until 9:46 am...it was either the darvocet I took last night, or the fact that at 2am I was up because my kids decided to watch tv at 100 decibles...

Stayed in bed until 1pm...

Called my littlest one in California...she is having fun

Went to eat at Caraba's Italian Restaurant...

Went to the market...

Came home...

Blogging...

Nothing else much today...feel a little anxiety want to get this out of me...and can't wait to...but I am going to California on Friday to see my mother and my family and some friends. To let them know what is going on. Also I am going to see my grandmother. She is suffering from Liver Cancer. Not sure what the next few months have in store for me...but I would like to see her before all of the stuff starts.

I think about the last 6 months of my life, and I don't know sometimes I think that I've felt really tired, and sometimes I felt so tired, as sick to my stomach...I wonder if it was that..emotionally I have been spent too. Actually since June 2nd 2006 my life has been a series of ups and downs..from almost dying because of 2 P.E.'s to a hugh blow up with his family (still don't speak) to Rob movin..etc. you all know the drill...

I decided that I want no stress in my life...If I have to have nothing, I would have nothing. I don't care. My job presently is so stressful, so I vow to myself: Stress free, exercise, control what I can, eat right, let things go, understand my illness.

What ever I have to do to live this way I will do. Because in the end it will save my life.

I need to.....

Carpe Diem..

Sieze the day !


Carpe diem is a phrase from a Latin poem by Horace. It is popularly translated from the movie Dead Poets Society as "seize the day". The general definition of carpe is "pick, pluck, pluck off, gather" as in plucking or picking a rose or apple, although Horace uses the word in the sense of "enjoy, make use of, seize."

Carpe Diem

Don't ask — it's dangerous to know — what end the gods will give me or you. Don't play with Babylonian fortune-telling either. Better just deal with whatever comes your way.

Whether you'll see several more winters or whether the last one Jupiter gives you is the one even now pelting the rocks on the shore with the waves be smart, drink your wine. Scale back your long hopes to a short period. While we speak, time is envious and is running away from us. Seize the day, trusting little in the future.

Horace


The most common interpretation of the phrase is as an existential cautionary term with emphasis on making the most of current opportunities because life is short and time is fleeting.

Noise........

It's Sunday morning April 27th and I am sitting in my home office. It's quiet except for the incessant chatter in my mind and my belly growling. Well my day ended with me falling into bed around 9:30 after a day of riding quads with the family minus my little one who hopped on a plane with her Grama yestereday morning to go to California for a famliy birthday/confirmation party.

I don't mind quadding...it's fun. My idea of quadding consists of mostly an organized place with picnic tables and a fire pit perhaps? No such luck...we were basically 4 wheeleing down a dried up river bed in Logandale with boulders and whoops! Whoops..definition: waves in the landscape that you go over..

So it was my 2 oldest kids, Rob's friend, and my sons girlfriend and Rob and I. When we finally landed, yes landed because we were airborne most of the time..I was thankful! Wow it was so pretty though, nestled in between tall red sandstone cliffs...in the distance were red sand dunes, reminded me of that Arnold Swartzeneger movie "Total Recall" set in Mars. We dragged off the quads and the cooler jammed packed with refreshments, and had stopped on the way to get sandwiches at a little deli on Water street...so got those all snuggled into the cooler to keep the mayo from poisening us later..

I don't ride that much, but did take a quad to ride the red dunes so nice and pretty.

I sat and watched everyone ride pretty much all day long...hiked up on a sandstone mountain...found a beautiful flower just growing in the middle of the cliffs...it was purple and small and pretty...and I realized that this little flower was out in the open...in the middle of a river bed of sandstone and cliffs, as small as my pinki fingernail, and was as strong and standing tall about a quarter of an inch to be exact and it survives. It is a surviver.

Rob asked my why didn't I step on it..well I guess I felt it symbolized me..It was strong, and stood alone in the middle of this vast desert and was beautiful and living..to step on it...would be to end its heroic ability to grow and survive and live. I love that little flower...

We left around 7:30 took us one and a half hours to get home, all the while everyone making noise in the backseat. I started crying about the last ten minutes of the trip..I was driving with one ipod bud in my ear and the other one in my oldest daughters ear...and listening to drunk rumbles in the back seat of Rob and his friend...my son..and his girlfriend were just being kids as well..I think emotionally I was spent...done. Physically I was exhaused. I think the day started out nice..but was too long. I became the designated driver, didn't like that much, and really spent the most part of the day...reflecting on things in life. Actually at the end of the day while falling into bed, I would not do that again, I guess I would rather have a medical exam at grand central station at high noon, and film it for girls gone wild!

At the end of the day..I guess I am trying to find security admist the noise of my life... I would say to find a partner who was more caring and understanding of me and how I feel a bit more. We don't talk about my cancer..I brought it up but he said he didn't really think about it too much, and that I will be just fine. So he deals with it like he deals with everything by being quiet. I can't imagine how he feels, or how the kids feel (haven't told the little one all the details yet...just little bits and pieces...not using the c-word...saying "the yucky stuff")...I guess scared. My oldest doesn't want to talk about it either, and my son...well it really doesn't exist for him either. Hmm..who do I talk to then? I realize that guess what this is my journey, this is my life, and whether or not i like it..it's mine to live.

And that was day 4...

Again....where are the cameras?

Hi....well I thought today was going to be an in and out MRI..and no such luck?

I got to the radiology place in time and ready to go...My BFF Lori came with me for support (the bestist friend ever) and so we could go grab a bite to eat after the test...

Well I went into the MRI room and she sits me down, now you have to understand this is all new to me...so I didn't know I had to have contrast. So yes they have to give me an IV...

The dreaded IV...for me much worse than a "normal" person. You see..I have no veins...none..so to poke me is a nightmare, and I usually have to hydrate myself a lot before I get an IV...didn't know I was getting one...so can you say PIN CUSHION?

4 Sticks later, and no success the nurse decided to put me on a table in the other room to lay down, good thing because at this point I was just about to hit the floor anyway! So she has me squeezing a plastic squeezy thing to pump up my veins...and has a turnoquet on my arm..3 more sticks...and they decide to bring in the radiologist.

I can tell when they are close to the vein it hurts more...but at this point they get it in but it blows..twice. Fun... Looking for the cameras..I have 3 people slapping my arms, I ask the Dr. if I roll over will you slap me here? He cracks up as does his wife who is helping him at this point...I'm begging him to poke me...just get it over with..

They are searching for a vein...any vein...now they are looking at my feet..wow..an IV in the foot for an MRI..I don't like this.

The doctor tries a few more times...keep squeezing the squeezy thing....and no success..I'm a trooper..no tears...just ripping the shred out of the squeezy thing...
It is actually destroyed at this point I proclaim, and then I let them know I'm done..no more..

I will go get some more water in me..come back in two hours..

I go get dressed, Lori and I go out to the car...dead battery ! I'm looking for the cameras...this is reality TV right? We get the car jumped and at this point I decide the test can wait until next week. I have cancer, I already know that..and I can wait a few days for another test to tell me again.

So..didn't accomplish the test, but yes called roadside assistance to pick my car up when I turned it off at Lori's house, and they towed it to the deaership and I got a new battery under warranty!

YEA...so that was a plus for today!

New Battery, might need some new veins...and that my friends is day three.

First Doctor's Visit

Went to my first doctors appointment...Rob came as well and Lori was going for support. She has her biopsy next tuesday...that will be fun. We arrived late, not a big deal actually I think it was because secretly Rob didn't want to go. Got into the patient room, and my doctor comes in...a very sweet and great surgeon. I realized that she is the one who found the cancer, but I won't be with her long, once she does what she needs to do..I will be shuffled to an oncologist. Just so happens that I have a very good friend who is an oncologist, the best in my city and he is now on speed dial!

So next steps...as I sit there remarkably in a good mood...she explains the type of cancer, actually rolls up in her little rolly chair, and flips over the pathology report and starts to draw a picture. Pictures are nice...I would have enjoyed a picture of any thing but an image of my breast cancer, but beggers can't be choosers.

She doesn't seem to be too concerned, but we need to make sure that everything is as it appears to be; the DCIS and it has not spread, or that they missed something so we are having a bilateral MRI of my boobies today actually.

She explains that there could be much more cancer in there....or it can be exactly as it appears so far. I'm actually rooting for the latter, who'd a guesses? Then she talked about sentinal lymph node biopsy...but that would be after the lumpectomy which I will have the week of May 5th...Cinco De Maio...

Back to reality TV...So again next steps is the MRI today...

I will touch base later...So this was Day 2 and is Beginning Day 3

Yesterday was fun....day 1

Well....yesterday was fun....driving down the street yesterday I thought I would call for my biopsy results...wow...the receptionist on the other side of the phone says..."Did the doctor call you?" Oh, well at that point..i wanted to vomit, do a 360 right in the middle of the freeway and be anything but alone. Well I said no...and she said well she must have left you a message. I asked her to tell me and she said..well I better let the doctor tell you. Ok, now I know I have breast cancer, without her even telling me, because she won't tell me. I finally get the news out of her because I tell her that I am not hanging up until I know. I pull off the freeway to an exit, and listen to what she says.

I hear the words DCIS...ductal carcinoma in-situ...but don't worry...you are going to be fine. You just have cancer, but you have the best one to have. Wow...that didn't make me feel any better. I hang up the phone and start to cry harder. I call Rob, and he is driving and tell him...wow..blown away..he couldn't even talk.

I was on my way to MiMi's to grab lunch...and now my whole life has changed in less than an instant. Rob is at work and will get to me as soon as he can. I dial my BFF and we were meeting for lunch, well now...I'm basically wretching in the car and can barely talk. I tell her and she of corse is crying right along with me. Instead of going to Mimi's we are going to her house which is a couple of blocks away. I'm still waiting for the doctor to call, and she beeps through while i'm on with my BFF.

I pull in the drive way and put the car in park, and listen to what the doctor has to say. I open the door to the car and my BFF just stands next to me while I listen intently to the doctor...I'm going to be ok she says...it's the earliest stage of breast cancer, and i'm going to be fine. At this point I see my BFF turning her head and wretching in the driveway...she is just so sick with the news.
Now I haven't even breathed yet, and I hang up..I have to see her first thing in the morning. We cry in the drive way...I have an hour until I have to pick up my oldest from School...and I have to tell her.

I call my mom and leave a message..just call me...I call my brother and leave a message..just call me..so waiting for return calls.

How weird to tell people about this. I almost feel like i don't want to say a word to anyone.

I picked up my daughter from school and told her, she cried but I assured her that it was going to be ok...

So the list goes on...my son, brother, mom's, father, and a few close friends and other people that I love I have to tell them to their face....

How do I feel? I guess numb would be a good answer. Mad...another word that comes to my head. Suprised? Not so much...

So I want to just basically journal this journey in my life. Then I will publish it and add the book to my book shelf...and share with the world!

I know I will beat this...I know I do not need anyone to do this with me (ok that's not true because now I am at day 25 and I am bringing everyone in) but me and God standing beside me. What it really comes down to is that this is my journey, and only I can do this, experience this, and have faith that everything will be alright, believe that all things are possible and have the wisdom to understand.

So this was day 1

Instinct..

We are eachothers keepers...
We are the guardians of our own humanity...
and even though there is a beast inside all of us...what sets us apart from the animals is the we can think, feel, dream and love.

And against all odds, against all instinct...we evolve.

And I'm Still looking for the Cameras....

Well...today is Saturday morning and I am sitting in my office listening to my BFF recite some chat...and we keep looking for the camera crew.

It must be... because if this is my life and its not on tv....Holy Sh*t...

Reality TV Wikipedia-

Reality Television is a genre of television programming which presents purportedly unscripted dramatic or humorous situations, documents actual events, and features ordinary people instead of professional actors.

The names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent in the following story:

Yesterday in the world of ...And you wonder why?

I had a drive by drop off yesterday for my surgery...my surgery was planned for a week and no one in the family could get there minds wrapped around that..

My son dragged himself out of bed to support me...only to find out.. the only reason that he came with me was because Rob was bringing his paycheck, and he could take the car...(drove myself there, left the car in valet).....My little one was at school...and my oldest...she said she would clean up the house and make sure my bed was all ready when I came home...the sweetheart...but added "oh, but call me when you are on your way home" translation: I will be sleeping until you call me so make sure you call so I can run around for 10 minutes doing what I said I would be doing...Gotta Love em'


So as I was being wheeled into surgery, I hear screetching tires, and out of the corner of my eye, I think i see Rob limping (torn ACL the poor dear), mumbling something under his breath. I can see his mouth moving...but I can't hear him and I'm sure it went something like this: I can't believe I'm here, why did you schedule your breast biopsy in the middle of my work day..what a hassle, I'm starving and this place smells like: (you put in the adjective), & how long is this going to take? To his credit...he is there...in some way or another..

Surgery's over...then my son comes and kisses me and says...Can I have 20$..and is the car filled with gas...and i need the keys..I told him I don't have the keys and we argued for a bit, utill I finally told him that the valet had the keys.

Little did I know while I was in surgery Rob and Berto went to Denny's and had a sitdown restaurant meal...Dr. comes out "Family for Stacy Please" Nope, no one there...might wanna try Denny's across the street..not every day you have an hour to kill and you are across the street from a Denny's... gotta feed that opportunity...

So the meds they gave me made me really sick, and they told me to eat as soon as you can...no problem right..5 family memebers for me at home...well needless to say I ordered a sandwich from a local pub PT's which angered Rob because he had to stop and pick up the food....as we pulled up : "can you get in ok he asked?"...(did I mention his truck has a 20 foot lift and I need a step ladder to get down)...so I get the ladder down attach it to the running boards myself..all the while he's asking me "you got it" "you ok?"...with the food bag in my teeth, holding my left breast, I fold up the ladder....nothing can stop me now...not even the seering pain shooting through my body...I'm almost home...up the drive way..I hear him peel away, and I only hope I remember the access code for the garage...yep I got it!

Slowly I tredge upstairs carrying my sandwich (to sick to eat it) in one hand and my breast in the other...maybe someone will bring me a water if I am lucky in a couple of hours...someone hopefully will check if im breathing....maybe? No such luck...i'ts now 9pm haven't seen anyone, actually I don't think anyone is home...I hear a faint dog barking in the background...maybe the smell of burnt pizza?

Water, Water...I need water...I see a faint outline of a water bottle on the dresser, could be a mirage?...not sure at this point...I pick up my cell phone and dial..Rob...kids...anyone...I'm hungry...and I think I smell a pizza being cremated!

My little one comes up the stairs and brings me a piece of pizza that is cremated on the top, and the bottom well lets just say...soggy...but Victory..i did get my water bottle!

I guess I hear a party going on in the garage...sounds like everyone is having fun...

...Wait this is the point it really gets good...

It's 10:30 pm now..and my oldest wants to go to her boyfriends house...ok..not a problem..

My boy is in the garage with the "party" his friends..and his girlfriend...

I call him to let him know it's time to just come in and relax..(yes my little one is sleeping)

So in comes my son...his girlfriend and his best friend and his girlfriend and one other friend....be a bit quiet, not to mention I should probably get some rest...

Just nodding off at this point and the phone rings...it's about 10:45 pm...it's my oldest, and I can barely understand her with the noise in the background and the yelling...She has called to tell me she is on the way to the hospital (we have frequent flyer miles now there...Marcus the er check nurse knows us well...see previous blogs for more exciting information) her boyfriend broke his arm riding a motorcycle..and he can't get a hold of his father because he is away for the weekend..my little one is still asleep too...and I am at this point still looking for the camera's...this can't be real...

My boy wants to go to the hospital..and that is not going to happen he has a boat load of friends here...Plus he needs to keep an eye on Ray...I drag my sore breast out of bed...and get dressed and take the gas card out because my oldest told me that the car is below empty...I jump in the truck....sh*t...empty..what is it with no gas in the cars???

I get to the Hospital and meet my oldest and her boyfriend and they did and x-ray and ct scan...we are awaiting the results and it is standing room only and there is a newborn screaming her head off not 2 feet from me...and I'm still holding my breast...

The baby is in the er because the baby won't eat...they left the hospital 6 hours ago and are back already... the baby was screaming and screaming..I promply got up..went to the ER desk and asked for a pacifier...they went to the pediactric ER and came back with a new shiny never been opened paci and I walked over to the new destressed parents(not to mention all of the distressed ER patients) and handed them the paci...they looked at me like i was crazy..I told them to open the bag and shove it in her mouth...which they did without question..well it worked...she stopped crying and they were amazed...and then she started nursing....Ta Da...that easy..they thanked me and left so happy...

Back to reality TV..so we were waiting and waiting in the ER waiting room and I was so tired, not to mention Chris holding his arm together..I asked for a bed...and as I walked up...Marcus ( he recognized me) said oh the frequent flyer...go ahead and gave us a room to lay down..OH ALMOST FORGOT..CAN YOU SCAN MY CARD SO I MAKE SURE TO GET THE MILES?

Then I get a phone call...from my son..his friends are fighting and the girls are screaming at eachother, so i get the friends on the phone...and talk to them..but wait my phone is beeping..it's Rob..he just noticed that i wasn't at the house..and he is mad that I am gone..(like i had a choice)and he just adds that there is a lot of comotion going on at the house and he is trying to sleep...OH thank you for reminding me that yes the world does revolve around you....CAMERA'S PLEASE..I KNOW THEY HAVE TO BE FILIMING THIS...

So three kids leave my house after much talking...(yes we are still in the room waiting for results) and I can hang up the phone...I think..

The phone rings again...it's my boy...he is sick and throwing up and has no idea why..he thinks it was the cremated pizza..could be??? Ya think?...I didn't eat it..so I wouldn't know....What can I do for him over the phone...nothing...wake your dad I tell him....He would rather wake a king cobra.. His girlfriend helps him and then he goes to sleep...

Well I know at this point that there is no gas in the car and my oldest is going to drive her boyfriend back home to our house so I (it's 2:30 am now) go across the street to get gas...yes I come back and I missed the Doctor...he had just left, and they were putting Chris in a cast...unbelievable I was gone 10 minutes..waited 3 and a half hours and the doctor comes the 10 minutes I am gone...

So needless to say...I'm tired and oh i still have to get gas in the truck..or I will be pushing the truck home..holding my breast...

I get home crawl up the stairs...fall into bed...(and yes my little one is still sleeping and die...

The camera's are still rolling....AND YOU WONDER WHY?

This is just one day in the world of ...And You Wonder Why? It's my life. And yes..I would have it any other way...sometimes you hear people say..."Oh but i wouldn't have it any other way." They are just big fat liars...I would!

More tomorrow..or the next day or week...we will see...

Found some love quotes in a magazine...why not throw them in for good measure:

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." Zora Neale Hurston

(your soul is who you are it is never hidden...)

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." Sam Keen

(I think Sam was pretty keen when he made this one up!)

Babe In Total Control of Herself

B*tch (noun)

A woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion---be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards---only her own. Because of this, she relates to people differently....


We see ourselves differently...B-I-T-C-H = Babe In total Control of Herself.

Put Yesterday in it's place...

I't a quiet Sunday morning as I sit in my office contemplating the day, a million thoughts run through my head......It is amazing the things I see sitting from my desk..

I have this calendar that hangs directly accross from my desk and the pictures are horses...this particular month of April is a creme colored horse running in the surf...

About 20 or more pictures of my friends and family...A really pretty print of the Public Market Center I picked up when I was in Seattle...a music box I got for my 5th birthday from my dad when we went up to mount Charleston for a "picnic birthday" I still remember that.

Books and more books...candles...ipod...and cards..i keep cards from my brother and friends..

My office is lined with pictures drawn by Ray..To mom...from Ray..Alice in wonderland...a bunny.
My Cat...Mr. Kitty he sits on his box, his favorite shoe box that I would never throw away...it is his throne...(an Ugg shoe box)you wonder what goes through his head...

I have a picture from NYC hanging behind me...a piture of street signs....I love NYC there is one other place that I have been that had that city hustle and bustle and just the noise in the early morning and that was Portland, Oregon...

A little butterfly box from my mother..candles and my little prayer square...I have a tile in the corner of my desk that says "Believe all things are possible if your believe" on it I have a half moon silver paperwieght that is engraved with a quote from anais nin---"Dreams are necessary to Life"..also a wooden bookmark that says: "When you've got something special, never forget it...another metel bookmark that is engraved with pink hearts and has pink ribbon and beads hanging from it..it reads: "Faith is the vision of the heart"..On my prayer square There are prayer beads from eqypt...a smooth stone my brother gave me...3 pins from the US Holocaust Museum, one pink triangle...one written in hebrew that says "Never Forget" and another that is a silver circle the size of a quarter with a jewish star stamped out of the middle and it says: L'chaim..."To Life"..a beautiul Cross sits in my prayer corner of my desk as well very ornate with jewels embedded only aobut 5 inches high...I have the words live well love much laugh often on a scented packet too...

A purple crystal...cat food..coach purses..a christmas tree...porcelyn dolls..paper work...shoes... a purple lei...a paper shredder...make up...business cards...cable cords...cell phones...perfume..sunglasses..pocket knife..jump drive..diet dr. pepper, a walkie talkie.. pens.. reciepts.. playing cards, cd's dvd's, more purses, coasters and the list goes on and on...

The years of memories that I can see span from 1971 to 2008 and it is amazing that everyday I walk into this office and see but... what do I really see in front of me?

It is yesterday, it is years ago...Life can be lived only one day at a time. All of your yesterdays and tomorrows are out of reach today. But do you know what is tempting? To drag remnants of your past right along with you all the way to tomorrow.. The problem with that? You basically need a moving truck to keep yesterday with you...yesterday is too heavy a load. It has already consumed enough of your time and energy, consumed so much of you the first time around..why let yesterday steal today right underneath your feet?

What do you see underneath your feet, a rug of yesterdays? Put yesterday in it's place, behind you where it belongs..step off of the rug and step forward.

As for the good things that have happened to you in the past, they can hold you back as much as those that have broken your heart. Continuing to hang on the the "good ole days", to hold tightly to the past accomplishments, relationships, friends, job, or lifestyle you enjoyed but no longer have, causes discontentment and disrtaction.

If you are continually looking back you are likley missing the beauty and opportunity that God's planted right in front of you. Limit the time and energy that you spend on things outside of your reach---and your control.

Allow yourself to be fully present in the present, so you can get the most out of every day....that comes your way...

Stacy

Sliding Doors......

What if one event, meaningless at the time, changed your life forever? It's probably happened to us all, possibly many times. Running a red light to make it to the grocery store and finding your soul mate browsing the meat section? It could happen.

A movie with Gweneth Paltrow called sliding doors, gives us a glimpse of what life could be like and how life can forever be changed just because she missed a train, or made a train in the London underground.

As the doors close shut before she can get in, she stands alone in the underground disgusted, yet totally unaware of the path she's passed up by missing the train. Or has she? As the doors begin to close shut, Helen lunges into the train taking a breath and a seat, totally unaware of the path she's passed up by taking the train.

Imagine if you could get an opportunity to live out two destinies simultaneously. So think about that for a minute...think about a decision that you made and how it affected you and what if you had made another decision, how would your life be? Do you ever wonder? Dream a bit, peer into an elaborate metaphor for opportunities lost and gained?

I always believe that it's all written already, we are just puppets in our own show...but I do beleive that there are many paths we can choose and directions we can flow with and what really matters is the choices we make and how we live with those choices...

Stacy